The Origin of the Name

Track 5

To Die as Someone?

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“Everyone, the deadline for email interviews is tomorrow afternoon, so don’t forget. Especially Kinouchi-kun, don’t ask Natsuyaki-kun to think of something just because you can’t think of anything.” 

When the manager, Nayuki, spoke strictly, Tao who was groaning in front of the autograph shikishi ¹groaned in pain, “I understand…” 

“Pichim², after the shikishi is done you’ll let me go, right? If I’m restrained any longer… I have a feeling I’m going to lose it…”

“Yes, yes, do as you like.”

While smirking, Kuguri quickly began working on finishing the shikishi board autographs without making a sound. 

Recently, Ev3ns has become more popular and well-known, and we have been featured more often in local magazines, and like today, we gather together more often as a group to autograph shikishi for planned gifts to fans. 

One of the reasons for our increased popularity may be that the public’s impression of us has changed as it turns out many of our criminal records were false convictions, and for the other members where that didn’t apply,  their cases were ruled as minor misdemeanors.

 Even so, I think that even one signature shows a person’s personality.

There are members like Kuguri who write in a flash, and there are members like Tao who take great care in writing each piece one by one. Kinari diligently adjusts the characters down to the millimeter, and Chihiro even draws pictures with short messages to the fans. 

In my case, my handwriting is the same as martial arts. 

Because I’m using my body to express myself, I like to write big and comfortable. 

“Raitin³, your handwriting is legit. I wonder if I should change my autograph to look all flowy like yours~”

Chihiro, who was seated next to me, peeked over at the shikishi in my hands. 

His penmanship is rather rounded and cute. 

“I think your autograph has your personality and the fans will be overjoyed. The illustrations are adorable too.” 

“Hehe–. I’m going to use colored pens and decorate it more!” 

Chihiro smiled happily at my praise.

“Now that I think about it, what does your name mean?”

Chihiro asked naturally, as if there was no meaning behind the question.

“Light… Is it because it’s English-sounding?” he asked, tilting his head.

I thought about it for a moment and decided to make it a quiz by asking, “What do you think it means?” 

I was simply curious to see how the other members would answer.

“We’ve been waiting for you! That kind of feeling? Like, thank you for coming?” 

“Hmm, I wonder.” 

I smiled wryly at Chihiro’s answer.

Kinari looked up and began to say, “According to the database, there are 380 people in Japan with a name that sounds like Light.” and then Tao cocked his head saying, “Eh, that’s surprisingly large. Or, rather, isn’t it small?” 

“If you think about it normally, it means something like being right or bright, right?”

“Perhaps.”

 I’ll disprove Tao’s prediction.  

“I got it! It’s from an anime character!” 

“Ahaha,” I laughed at Chihiro’s outlandish idea.

“Data shows that if there are siblings, they tend to have similar names.”

 “So that means Nayu–ki has a similar name too?” 

I briefly glanced over at Nayuki when I heard Kinari’s analysis.

Exactly as I expected, Nayuki completely ignored me. 

“There’s probably no particular meaning behind it. It’s not even that impressive of a name, anyway,” Kuguri says.

“Well, that’s probably the closest opinion,” I agreed.

Chihiro made a noise of dissatisfaction and I lightly explained. 

My parents had a lot of expectations when they first named me, but after I was born, they no longer had those lofty hopes.

“I was told to choose how I wanted to live my life. I was also told to choose the meaning of my name as I wanted.” 

“So that’s how it is~?”

“Have you decided the meaning of your name?” Kinari asked, looking up at me.

There was nothing but an innocent question in his glass bead-like eyes.

At times like this, I think Kinari is the one who gets to the point more than anyone else.

“No, I haven’t decided on the meaning. So… maybe I’m nothing.”

I’m not a person with expectations placed on them, a person who guides as light, nor a person who lives the right way.

I have a feeling I can exist as a member of HAMA tours, the 10th District Mayor, and leader of Ev3ns, as Raito Kitakawa because I’m nothing. 

I’m not sure what these titles mean, but I’m satisfied with the way I’m living right now and if possible, I’d like to live as I am now until my time limit comes. 

But when the curtain comes down on my life, I won’t know if I died as someone until that moment.

Sometimes I wonder.

If I continue living as I am now, will I be able to die peacefully without regret?

It would be nice if I could die like that. To die smiling…

“It’s been a long time.”

That night after lessons, as I was enjoying the breeze on the balcony of the dormitory, I heard an unexpectedly familiar voice.

When I turned around, Toi Shiramitsu was standing there. 

Although I say Toi, it was a completely different atmosphere from the cute and honest Toi I usually saw in the dormitory.

When was it? – It was the same as when I received the “prophecy of death” at Angel Eye. I had the impression he was possessed by something, an atmosphere that was different from that of a human being. 

Those eyes, in the darkness of night, eerily glowed gold. 

“…You’re from that time.” I had spoken before I realized it. 

When we met again at HAMA Tours, neither Toi or his older twin brother Ryui seemed to recognize Nayuki and me. The atmosphere was so different from the day I had my fortune told, I suspected that it might have been… I had my doubts but as expected, the Toi that gave me that prophecy must have been possessed by something supernatural. I realized that right now it was likely the same state.

“I’m in a good mood tonight. How about it? If you want, I’ll let you touch your own corpse once more?”

I braced myself for a moment when asked this question.

The day I received the prophecy.

I saw my own corpse. Not only that, I was able to touch it too.  

I could feel that my body, which had been warm just a moment ago, was rapidly cooling down. 

I should have died smiling that day but– 

“No, I appreciate your offer but I’m going to refrain.” 

With my response, Toi, who was possessed by something, raised an eyebrow and let out a small chuckle.

And without a sound, he left the balcony.

Left alone, I could hear my heart racing uncomfortably. 

Unusually, it seems I was nervous.

While exhaling, I sunk deeply into the chair on the balcony.

The me I saw back then… Did I die as someone?

It has already been more than ten years ago. 

For the first time in a while, I tried to remember my own corpse which I knew I had seen as a young boy, but for some reason the expression was hazy and I couldn’t remember.

Strange. I had certainly died peacefully with a smile.

That should be vivid in my memory.

I could always remember my expression in death that had been seared into my retinas.

That’s why I wasn’t afraid of dying. It was supposed to be that way.

Have I become unable to remember my face in death?

I was astounded by that fact.

The night breeze brushed against my cheek.

Beyond the darkness of night, I strained my eyes slightly trying to once again remember the face of my own death– but the darkness remained black, and it seemed like I would not be able to see the truth.

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Footnotes

1. Shikishi boards are square thick paper boards traditionally used for haiku and paintings but in modern settings are often used for anime art, cardmaking, and fan signings ↩︎
2. ピチム means “my little one”. ↩︎
3. Chihiro uses nicknames for everyone. Raito is らいてぃん with a strong “I” so like writing without the “g”.  ↩︎

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